Article written by @Alejandro Montealegre, Training Director at MRC International People Training.
I’d like to share something I often encounter in trainings with outstanding professionals when we work on assertiveness:
Generally speaking, most of us are quite lost about what it is and how to use it. From a young age, we hear a lot about empathy, but far less—if anything—about assertiveness. Yet it’s a fundamental communication tool.
When I ask in sessions what assertive communication is, someone usually says it means standing your ground. And that’s good—of course it involves expressing your opinion. The key is that this isn’t the whole picture; there’s a final clause we tend to forget…
The RAE (Spanish Royal Academy) adds a second part: “while respecting others’ ideas.”
I define assertiveness as the ability to say what I think or feel without offending the other person. In a world full of people who feel offended, that’s quite a challenge.
What usually happens? We confuse being firm with being assertive because we forget that final, crucial part. We state our view without acknowledging that the other person has theirs—and thank goodness we don’t all think alike.
As Johann Hari explains so well in Stolen Focus, communication has turned into a series of monologues in which we’re simply waiting for the other person to stop talking so we can speak—over and over again.
Assertiveness is that middle ground between attack and defense that enables me to:
- Say no.
- Defend my principles.
- Communicate more effectively.
- Ask for help.
- Improve my negotiating ability.
- Improve conflict resolution.
- Improve my interpersonal relationships.
If we think about daily life, countless situations come to mind where we act in a direct, aggressive way—justifying it because of the other person’s behavior. We’d all benefit from understanding that we can hold different viewpoints, respect each other, and express our ideas without attacking our counterpart.
To hold a more assertive conversation, it helps to follow these steps:
- 1. Stay calm. From anger or confrontation we can’t be assertive—we’ll be aggressive.
- 2. Practice active listening. Strive to understand the other person’s viewpoint and show genuine interest in it, even if it differs from yours.
- 3. State your idea with reasons. Explain the why behind your position.
- 4. Suggest points of agreement or next steps.
With these steps, I respect myself—and I respect my counterpart.
Let’s be more assertive. Let’s recognize there are perspectives beyond our own, let’s respect others, and let’s respect ourselves more.
As Gabriel García Márquez said: “The most important thing I learned to do after forty was to say no when it’s no.” We all still have time to improve our assertiveness.